BLUE

This is my fourth day now, sitting alone in my room, nobody to talk to, nothing to do or look forward to. Meaningless flings with beautiful movies, sitcoms which dont even tickle you, guitar exercises which yield in more of pain than music, microwaved food, a laptop which has more mood swings than a girl in her periods- 'nuff said!! Loneliness can make you go crazy, you tend to look at all the negative things around you through a magnifying glass. And in a strange way, your past comes up in front of you and dances to the slow tunes of your sad life. Memories!! A beautiful creation. In a way they add more meaning to your life, gives you something from your past which makes you look forward to your future. Sort of keeps you going. And the most beautiful part is, happier memories overpower the bitter ones. Have you noticed it? When you sit and think about your past, the times you have been happy and had fun come first. Human psychology!! The divine pursuit of happiness! Whatever we do, we want to be happy. If we are not happy, we try to go into a comfort zone which tends to make us happy. The same reason why we get into relationships. Relationships!! Love!! Humans have this incessant need to be pampered, cared about, appreciated and satisfied. And being the masters of our own creations, we come up with this all fancy and chaste word, LOVE! TRUE LOVE! Feels real good to be in one. Accepted. Its like dope, a constant state of inebriation. And when I see a couple "truly in love", I do envy them. They are in their own state of "happiness". Two people appreciating each others' flaws, pampering each other away to glory, showering expensive gifts and calling it "selfless love" - a falsely conjured oxymoronic term. Yes I believed in it! And I still want to believe in it. But I guess when you are in love you think with your heart and when you are out of it your brain takes over. A chemical reaction nonetheless. Pursuit of happiness!!!

Yes. Thats how your brain works when it has nothing to do. It is depressing when you have believed in something throughout your life and your brain starts questioning it and proves it completely wrong. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop!" Right!! I decide to stop thinking. I walk out of the house into the street. The lovely portland street. Trust me, my depressing thoughts are way better. City of angels, my ass! The underdeveloped, crowded, pothole-filled streets of Chennai are way better! You can live life there. Here you merely exist. Rules, rules, rules. And then more rules. Even driving in this country is boring. Perfect roads, automatic gears, neatly chalked out rules. Tell me, what is the fun in driving? I wonder what an american guy would do if he had to drive on Indian roads. I am sure he will die of a heart attack. The poor guy cant even call 911. Oh in India I heard its 108. Like someone is gonna use that and succeed in getting timely help!! But yeah, that's India for you. Mera bharath mahaan.

Am back in my house now. The uncleaned vessels, non-vacuumed carpet floor, the lonely fooseball table, my red vaio( I still wonder how my mom convinced me into buying that color). Hmphhh!! I guess am back to where I started. Staring into the abyss. More and more thoughts flood my tiny brain now. And trust me, its all sooooo blueee!!!!